Saturday, August 7, 2010


You know that feeling you get when you finish a great book series (like Harry Potter....and Twilight....and The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo) and you just don't want it to end but then it does.

When you read that last page of that last book, you feel sort of sad and depressed.

You miss the characters.

You miss the setting. You miss being in THAT world.

And you know that there isn't another book coming out soon.

Its all over.

I feel that way tonight. Its the end of summer. My first day back at school for meetings is still a week away, but I have tons of pre-term school preparation to do this week so I am practically back for real.

I am feeling a bit overwhelmed about the start of the year.

Its my fifth full year so I should be excited and at ease, but I've got a bad feeling about this year.

I can't put my finger on it.

I can't pinpoint exactly what it is and I hope that I am wrong...but I keep getting this overwhelming urge to put up a fight about things that aren't even certain yet regarding my schedule, my expectations as a teacher and just the atmosphere in general.

Usually, I am optimistic and enthusiastic. Even in high school and college, I was always excited for the year to start. I could reinvent myself and make new friends, and I always did. I never dreaded the beginning of the year, it was always a time of hope and excitement.

This year is different. 

The past few weeks, I haven't had ANY creative energy.

I haven't painted anything or started any new crafty projects.

Nothing sounds fun.

Well, watching movies/t.v. sounds fun.

It is Saturday and I have been on the couch all day.

Watching movies.

Eating snacks.

I baked a chocolate cake which I intend to eat later.

I just made coffee to help myself perk up.

I turned off t.v. because Shark Week was getting on my nerves. It's the only thing on.

This is one Saturday night I will never get back. Its one night where I am not out having fun, hanging with friends. I am just reflecting.

When I went to the store to buy frosting earlier, I also bought jalapeno cheetos, twizzlers, cream soda, an extra 'just in case' tub of chocolate frosting, frozen pizzas, crackers with dip, and some snapple. (Oh, and some of those 'thin' bagels...super delicious, btw)

That amount of snacks should only be allowed on road trips and camp outs....but I think I am just depressed. Which doesn't happen very often.

Whenever I think about the first day of school, I just want to cry.

By starting the first day, I will really be finishing the last page of the last book....the last chapter of the last story about this summer. About life as I know it right now. And I don't want it to end.

I don't want a new book series. I want that old one back.

I want to give up reading altogether because nothing will ever compare.

But I know that isn't going to happen. Crawling under a quilt, ignoring the world won't solve anything. Neither will loads of sugar and junk food.

But those things will help tonight. And in just a few days, a new adventure will begin. Even if I am not ready to let go of this one.

Hipstamatic pictures from the iPhone, of course. From a lovely little bookstore, the Archive in St. Louis....


Maria Ontiveros said...

Aw, sweetie, I hope you feel better tomorrow. Vanilla swiss almond haagen=dasz ice cream. Think about it.

Whitney Scott said...

Don't get all un-creative on me now. Don't we have a project to work on together?!!!? : ) Let me know when your schedule is less hectic and we'll do dinner.

Rachel said...

Oh, I feel like I know JUST what you mean. Sometimes I need to crawl under the covers and will time to stop moving forward. It never cooperates. Here's hoping your new adventures will be every bit as much fun as the old. I'm sure they will be.
It's so tough to let go and embrace change sometimes. Sending hopeful sunshiny thoughts your way and willing them for myself as well.