Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Have YOU seen Breaking Dawn yet? Let's talk about it.

On Sunday, I had the opportunity to go see the new Twilight movie.

I admit, I am a Twilight fan. I've read all of the books. I've seen all of the movies...some of them at midnight, on a school night, wearing 'team Jacob' apparel.

I was one of the giggling girls who gasped aloud when Jacob ripped his shirt off in New Moon. I even have a little scrapbook about my Twilight adventures, with ticket stubs, sound track CD jackets, and photos with Twilight-loving friends.

I loved the books. And I believe that if you love something, you should just go for it...and unabashedly proclaim your love for it.

Before the movie, I made a quick stop at the drugstore for some candy. Peanut m&ms and sour skittles.

At the register, my total was less than $3.....I had about $10 in cash.....'darn....I have to save this to pay for a movie ticket...guess I will have to use my debit card for this,' I told the attendant.

The cashier, whom I've always thought looks a little like DJ Qualls, the nerdy guy in Road Trip (a side note that is neither here or there and has no relevance to this blog post, but is worth noting because if you go to the Mays Drugstore near my house, I hope you will look for him and tell me your thoughts about this random unimportant doppleganger sighting). Anyway, the cashier, asked me 'What movie?"

"Um, what else, the new TWILIGHT movie!" I exclaimed.

"Twilight? Seriously?" Another  male cashier behind me chimed in. They both  made some rude comment referring to how nerdy/dorky/lame I was for wanting to see movie.

I just laughed, turning the other cheek at the haters, and said thank you on my way out, as I tried to stuff my snacks in my tiny purse.

Driving to the theater, I thought of all of those Signfieldesque 'The Jerk store, called' come backs I should've said to those boys.

"Yeah, the Twilight movie! Its one of the few movie franchises that is actually made for women! You guys get all sorts of movies like the Transformers, Star Wars, and there are millions of superhero movies with midnight premiers, like Superman, Batman, Spiderman, Green Lantern, et cetera, et cetera. Now, I am going to the movies, where I will squeal and giggle and swoon as much as I want over vampires and werewolves. Haters quit hating, thank you, and good night!" (At the end of my speech, the drugstore cashiers are bowing and clapping, proud that I have impressed them with my ferocious snarky response)

Proud of my little fictional comeback speech, I pulled into the theater in my over-sized sweatshirt, sweatpants, and met up with my girl friend. We bought some popcorn and settled in for 30-minutes of previews before the movie started. (Totally excited for the Hunger Games movie, BTW)

If you have not seen the Breaking Dawn, quit reading now. There are some spoilers below. Also, I am a true fan, so that gives me the right to be disappointed with something that doesn't live up to my expectations.....or whatever, I really don't care, I just want to talk about this movie!

When the movie starts, we get an immediate swoon-worthy shot of Jacob's abs when he rips his shirt off before morphing into a wolf....and then we don't really see much of him without his shirt on for the rest of the movie, sadly.

Before I go on I would just like to say that the wedding of Edward and Bella was truly beautiful!! It was my favorite part of the movie. The woods and the flowers and her dress, WOW!

The soundtrack was also amazing. Really great use of music.

The scene with the family giving little toasts at the reception, was hilarious!

However, there were some other parts of the movie that were also really funny/weird.....reminding faithful readers what a WEIRD book this was...making me wonder, should this have been made into a movie?

Don't get me wrong, I loved the book, I even bought the t-shirt and made a scrapbook about it...but....as a movie, some of the thing that were necessary to the plot, were just CREEPY on film.

#1 The scene where the werewolves are having a discussion on the wood pile about whether or not to kill Bell and her abomination-baby. In the book, it explains that the wolves can communicate via 'thoughts'...but in the movie.....my friend Tracy said it best:   

'Ok I'm just gonna say it. Disappointed with the "Power of Gray Skull" wolf scene in Breaking Dawn'

The Power of Gray Skull is from the He-Man cartoon from the 80s.

The wolf voices are SO strange and cartoonish I remember looking around the theater, like 'Okay, is anyone else just weirded out by this shiz?"  It is just a very weird scene.

#2 The part where Bella dies and has a baby. Okay, if you have read the book, you know that she dies. She is pregnant with a monster, and she dies giving birth. Edward has to chew the baby out of of her belly because it is breaking her bones and apparently no surgical utensils will penetrate the uterus. 

They don't really show him chewing her belly....but they do show his face afterwards, covered with blood and chunks of something... her ladyparts, I guess??? I was completely creeped out by him going down on her in this way, even though he was trying to use his fangless-vampire-jaws to remove a creature from her womb, it was disgusting and dirty.

The baby itself is SO covered bloody jelly, but the area around the eyes look like its been wearing those sun-tanning goggles while gestating in Bella's belly. Totally necessary to keep the baby-actor safe, but a noticeable flaw in the makeup.

After Bella takes a look at creepy little baby Renesmee, she dies. Edward freaks. He stabs her in the chest with a huge syringe of his VENOM....making me wonder exactly where the clear-ish-white-ish liquid came from? When did he harvest so much Venom and how? And why did they need so much of it? And where in the heck do vampires excrete such a venom?

Then he starts trying to do CPR on her skinny, rubbery, dead looking body, while she lays there staring up at the ceiling turning into a vampire, but paralyzed and lifeless. He starts fanglessly-vampire-biting her all over...(S&M scene?) to 'turn/save' her. 

#3 Bella shaves her legs the first night of her honeymoon, before the bed-breaking sex scene....um, why didn't she do that the morning before her wedding? Weirdo.  

#4 Poor-hot-Jacob is now a pedophile. Jacob imprinted on a new-born. Ew. I understand imprinting, and I understand how the book explained everything somewhat perfectly, but him flash-forwarding through her life as if he is watching her grow up and seeing his fantasy of her, while she is in swaddling gear is just creepy and weird.

#5 Inconsistancies: When Edward and Bella left the woods of Oregon after the wedding, it was dark...and when they arrived in Rio, it was still night....did he run them all the way there? Did they take a private jet? I guess they took a private-super-fast jet and it only took a few hours....but seriously, that would've been a long flight...it would've at least been breaking dawn when they landed. 

Edward does not sparkle in this movie. Even on their honeymoon, on a sunny island south of Rio, he doesn't glitter anymore. 

Also, Bella's bruises are pathetic and fast disappearing....she should've been very black-and-blue after the romp they had and the bruises should've lingered and turned every shade from purple to yellow, like mine do.

Bella doesn't eat any eggs. In the book, she ate tons of eggs, and it made me hungry for scrambled, fried, boiled, sunny-side-up eggcellent eggs...but in the movie, she puked after one chicken leg and didn't eat or drink anything else except for a couple of O- blood-milk shakes through a straw, which kool-aid stained her teeth and lips, can I get an "OH YEAH!"

Okay, so these are the things that stick out in my mind after seeing the movie one time in the theater. I am sure if I saw it again (and i had a chance to go with some of my friends on Monday, but I turned it down because it is not worth the money to watch it again, I would rather not see it again unless someone else owns it and we are having a marathon during a crafting event), I am sure there would be tons more to discuss.

Maybe I was too blinded by the super hot Jacob abs in the last two movies to notice the poor acting and even poorer dialog, but I didn't care, it was visual eye candy and a fun fantasy.

In this movie, I laughed at the wrong parts and I tried, TRIED really hard to believe in the fictional rant I had unleashed on the cashiers just an hour before...but maybe they were right....this movie sort of sucked. But I am okay with that.

Will I be going to see Breaking Dawn Part Deux?...Yes, yes I will. #teamjacob #twihard4life

1 comment:

angela said...

i agree with everything you said here. i liked the movie but i am only seeing it once. the others i went at least 3 times.(sad face) im sure at nelliepalooza breaking dawn is goin to be a definite topic. i will have to admit i cried when jacob cried. i cant help it i LOVE him so much. #teamjacob